I was talking with my counselor, Nancy, last week after six weeks without a visit. We’re beginning to wrap up our sessions together, so we’ve left some wider gaps between visits. We were taking an overarching look at where I am in life, so the question she posed was something really broad like, “Where do you feel like you are, overall?” I’ve always tried to be as honest as humanly possible in counseling (otherwise, what’s the point of paying for the sessions?!), so I was explaining that I feel like I am at a good place. However, I also sense that there are still a couple of things that I need to grasp more fully, and I detailed for her what those were.

Sometimes the thing that I appreciate most about counseling is that it forces me to process my thoughts and formulate them into cohesive sentences. I often say to Nancy, “Bear with me, because I don’t think I’ve tried to verbalize this yet,” or something of that nature. I had one of those moments in telling her where I was, overall. While explaining that I have a couple of areas where I feel like I still needed to grow, I realized that I am not particularly worried about those areas. It also struck me that the reason I am not worried is because I’ve finally realized that I am not going to be able to change myself anyway. The key all along was admitting that I couldn’t do it, perhaps didn’t even really want to do it, but instead letting God do the hard work of heart change. Trading in my striving for surrender has given me the freedom to be at peace with myself. Yes, I can still grow and change to be more like Christ, but I can also love and accept myself where I am right now. If I remain focused on that which He has for me, then He will change me at just the right time.

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